The Adventures of Bobby 'the insane' Baggins
by FunktasticMe
Summary: Bobby 'the insane' Baggins decides to leave the constraints of the Shire and head off in search of his own adventures. Aided with a ring of power and a talking flower, Bobby brings his own brand of chaos. Fortunately, our heroes are not far behind. R&R!
1. Bobby 'the insane' Baggins

A/N: World of Tolkien and all its characters therein, not mine, etc., etc. What can I say about this story? I'm not sure where I'm going with this, other than the brink of insanity, but I needed a break from my other creation. Writing fanfiction, as I'm sure many of you know, has a twisted effect on the mind; a product of which this story has become. Enjoy. And if you do, send me a review. If you don't, send me a flame. Either way, I'm happy.

**The Adventures of Bobby "the insane" Baggins**

            Pink bunnies danced around him, laughing and merry-making to the rhythm of music that filled his pointed little hobbit ears. The colors were swirling and Bobby couldn't help but be caught up in the dance. It was one of his favorite pastimes, tap dancing with the elephants, and it always seemed to follow the bunnies. The commotion around him thrilled his senses. One of the happy flowers began to speak to him. 

"Good morning Bobby. The sun is sure shining brightly today."

"Why yes it is my lovely friend," replied Bobby with a grin. "This is a special day for me. Do you know what today is, little flower?"

"Oh yes, Bobby. Today is the day that you _burn this place down_."

"That's right little flower. Today is the day."

"Today is the day. Today is the day. Burn the place down, Bobby. Burn the place down," sang the flower with all the other whimsical characters that had gathered there with him.

Nobody at the Hillside Hobbit House, the Shire's little known of asylum, knew exactly how the fire had started. All they knew was that their most disturbed patient had managed to escape their watchful eyes. 

Bobby "the insane" Baggins, as they called him, had merely decided that he was tired of the Hobbit House. Always their eyes were watching, always, Bobby would tell himself time and again. Or rather the flower told him this. But now he had gained his freedom. He could do as he please, and all the world would be his. He had not felt this happy in a long time. 

It wasn't that Bobby was a bad hobbit, he was just very creative and had an overactive imagination. At least that was what his uncle, Bilbo, had always told him when he was little. He had always loved his uncle Bilbo. But one day, Bilbo went away for a long time. Bobby needed no explanation; he knew the reason for his departure. It was to plot Bobby's death—and that wasn't very nice of Bilbo. Bilbo had to be punished. 

But since Bilbo had not yet returned, Bobby decided to do the next best thing. He would have to make him pay through his cousin, Bilbo's beloved nephew, Frodo. Bobby was doing the town a favor. Frodo was, after all, an evil demon sent to destroy all mankind, though Bobby was the only one who knew this—the flower had told him. He had tried to burn him as he slept, but those stupid villagers put a stop to it. And they called him crazy! 

That was when they imprisoned him. They were most ungrateful hobbits. He had tried to protect them; to save them! They were afraid of him, he could tell. They feared him because they knew he was 'The One.' He was their savior. His power was too great, so they imprisoned him. But they couldn't hold him. Nobody could.

But as we said before, Bobby was not an evil hobbit. He had decided he would show the town mercy for their crimes. He would leave the Shire to its own doomed fate and travel to the lands of wisdom where he would be welcomed as a king.

Bobby's adventure began with a stop at his uncle's home and a snatching of that precious ring he was always so careful to hide from everyone. Bobby liked the way it shined. Bobby was the one who should have it, not Bilbo. Bilbo was mean, deceitful, plotting. He placed it carefully in his pocket where no one else would see it and made his way into the great unknown. Just him, a ring, and his talking flower.

               ****************************************

"Is it safe?! Is it secret?!" Gandalf questioned desperately as he clutched Frodo.

"Of course," Frodo replied. "I have kept it hidden here in this envelope." Frodo proceeded to open it only to find that it was empty.

"I don't understand. I've kept it right here all this time. No one else knows about it." Frodo was quite distraught, but more so was Gandalf.

"Someone has taken it then," he murmured darkly. "Be that ring what I think it is, this does not bode well for the people of Middle Earth." Frodo sadly lowered his head at the wizard's words. "Frodo, is there anyone else who would have had access to the ring?"

"No one. No one except…" Frodo hesitated as if in thought.

"Except who?" 

"My cousin Bobby has recently escaped from the Hillside Hobbit House."

"Not Bobby 'the insane' Baggins?" The wizard was horrified. He had heard many tales of this misguided miscreant. 

"Yes. He has never liked me. I couldn't be sure, but a few nights ago I awoke to find him watching over me. I did not yet know of his escape and it had seemed as a dream to me. He must have taken the ring. With the exception of Bilbo, he was the only one who knew about it."

"Then we have but one course of action, Frodo. We must find this ill-tuned hobbit and recover the ring. For in his hands it may prove deadlier yet than all the forces of Mordor. Come Frodo, we have work to do."

"But Gandalf, why all this concern about a ring?"

"It's a long story, Frodo. I'll explain on the way."

                 *********************************

A/N: Now I ask you, what would M.E. be without its psychopathic hobbit ringbearer? What new devilry is this and what new chaos will it bring to our beloved characters? Penny for your thoughts.


	2. Flight to the Ford

A/N: I know this isn't my most polished of works and that I'm probably lowering the bar for myself, but I can't restrain the typing. Please don't think less of me. Still, flames seem fitting for this story, so feel free to UNLEASH THE RAGE!!!

**Flight to the Ford**

            Bobby found the forests beyond the Shire to be an enchanting place. He spent much of his time talking with its various creatures. They gave him many useful tips, like arraying himself in twigs and berries so as not to draw attention to himself and commonsense things like licking the trees and spinning around ten times before resting under them. Why? Bobby never really questioned the purple and pink striped cat with the vanishing body. Bobby knew he was wise. Occasionally, his forest friends would send him news about things from beyond as well as things from behind. 

            It was from them he found out that he was being pursued by those in the Shire who would seek to imprison him again. Not the least of them being that evil serpent, Frodo and that crazy old Gandalf.

            As he stopped to rest he recalled the first time he had met with Gandalf. It was back before the days of the Hillside Hobbit House.

_            It was lovely summer afternoon and people had gathered from across the Shire to partake of the summer's festival. Bilbo was telling more of his lies to the little hobbits and Frodo was doing a strange chicken dance, no doubt it was some sort of evil incantation against him. "Come on Bobby!" he cried. "Join the party!"_

_            But Bobby knew better. It was then that he saw the old man's arrival. Tall was he, and his features hidden under a massive beard and a wide brimmed hat. Clever, thought Bobby. Very clever. _

_            "He does not fool you, does he Bobby?" asked the flower by his side._

_            "No he certainly does not. A sorcerer is he. Evil and wicked."_

_            "You should burn him, Bobby! Burn him!"_

_            "That's your solution to everything, isn't it?" replied Bobby exasperated. _

_            "Have you a better idea?" asked the flower knowingly._

_            "Well no…I guess not." And so Bobby proceeded toward the wizard with courage that is found only in the insane. _

_            "Why what have we here," spoke the treacherous wizard with an evil smile. "Young Bobby Baggins, is it not?"_

_            "No, no!" cried Bobby as he covered his ears. "Do not speak my name you will put a spell on it!" The wizard then reached out to him with a hand, meaning to choke him, for sure._

_            "Calm down little one. There's no need for that. Bilbo!" he called turning aside to where Bilbo sat corrupting the youth. "I believe your nephew needs a bit of calming." But as he turned back to meet Bobby, he was met with a cool splash of ale being thrown in his face. _

_            "What the!? What is the meaning of this?" But before Gandalf could react further, Bobby heroically thrust a lit torch in his face, setting his long beard ablaze._

_            "Whahahahahah!!...." laughed Bobby. "I have smote you demon! Now burn to your doom!!" Bobby was ecstatic in his success. All the other Shirelings swarmed about him joining in the frenzy. "Burn!! BURN!!"_

            A yes, thought Bilbo returning to the present, that was a summer to remember. Unfortunately he had underestimated the wizard's power and the next day he had found the whole town bewitched by his spell. And Bobby was forever banished to the Hillside House.

            "We will not underestimate him again, will we Bobby?" the flower prodded in that familiar, sinister voice he oh so loved.

            "No my friend. We will not. But enough lingering here, Flower. Gather together the pink bunnies and the purple squirrels and do not forget the elephants, we will need many allies in our upcoming war. We will make our way to Rivendell—land of the elves. And there we will make many new alliances and cast out all evil from the world."

            "Oh Bobby, you are very wise."

            "Yes. I am very wise."

            "And very noble."

            "Yes. Very noble."

            "And handsome too…"

            "Very handsome…"

Braving the unknown, Bobby perilously made his way across the many obstacles of Middle Earth. On a mighty quest was he. Surely there would be sung many a fair song about the journeying of Bobby 'the insane' Baggins.

                           ****************************

"Come quickly Frodo. Your cousin moves swiftly," Gandalf urged as they neared the town of Bree. Along the way they had met up with our three other loveable hobbits. Why they came along you ask? Well, why not? The more the merrier. Besides, they needed someone to carry the bags and certainly a wizard could not be expected to clomp his own coconuts.

"Gandalf?" asked Sam. "Wouldn't it be a lot easier to just take real horses? Using these coconuts seems a bit silly."

"It is insane, I know," replied Gandalf. "But we are tracking a very unusual hobbit. One that is not quite right in the mind. We must think like him."

"You mean crazy?" asked Merry skeptically.

"Precisely!" he replied.

"But--," protested Pippin.

"Silence, hobbits! Do not question the ways of wizards. Quickly now." They continued for a moment. "I don't hear any clomping," said the wizard in a warning tone.

"Oh right, sorry Gandalf," Sam replied as they all began clomping the coconuts once again.

"This is so stupid," whispered Merry to the others. But he was quickly silenced by a harsh look from Gandalf.

They had come to the Inn of the Prancing Pony and there they decided to rest for the night. With the hobbits all safely tucked in, Gandalf lingered near the bar to speak with his friend Butterbur, the owner. 

"For many days now we have been tracking a strange hobbit. I believe he may have passed through Bree. Tell me have you seen anyone so unusual?"

"Many strange folk pass through these parts, Master Gandalf." The wizard sighed as if defeated.

"I fear that I have lost his trail," he said sadly.

"Although," remembered Butterbur, "A few nights ago there was talk of a strange little hobbit hiding amongst the shadows of the streets. They say he was up all the night spooking the horses and muttering fanciful things to himself. Acting very peculiar."

"That must be him! Any idea where he has gone?"

"None, sir. He just up and disappeared one night." Gandalf was crestfallen once more. "Thank you for your time, my friend." Butterbur nodded and left the wizard to his own brooding.

"Somehow I did not expect to see you here, Gandalf," spoke a familiar voice from behind. Gandalf turned to meet the ranger.

"Strider, it is in these parts, is it not?" Gandalf asked the cloaked figure.

Strider nodded. "We have much news to discuss, Gandalf, but we shouldn't do it here. Come, let us go to my room." And Strider led the way upstairs where they were soon trading information concerning the rumored return of the ring of power.

Having lost the path of Bobby, Gandalf, Strider, and the four hobbits decided that the best course would be to seek the council of Elrond. Thus they set their path toward Rivendell, where all great adventures must begin.  

                              ************************************

A/N: I know I'm not the only one out there with a pent up, twisted, imagination directed toward the bringing of chaos and doom to the peoples of M.E. Share with me your visions fellow psychotics…review… 


	3. The Fungi Kingdom

**Chapter 3: "The ****Fungi****Kingdom****"**

"_Forest__ trees.__ I like trees. I like trees and they likes mees. _

_Why don't we, go climb a tree. Go climb a tree and eat some—what rhymes with 'mees,' Flower?"_

"Uhh…bees?"

"That's great, Flower. _Go climb a tree, and eat some bees._ All this singing is making me hungry. What are we gonna do for dinner tonight?"

"I want to eat those mushrooms over there," said the flower.

"I don't know. They're probably crawling with funguses."

"That's ridiculous, Bobby," said the pink bunny. "Everyone knows that mushrooms are free of fungus."

"I thought they were fungus?" argued the purple squirrel.

"What do you know? You're just a stupid purple squirrel!"

"Better than a stupid pink bunny!"

"Now, now, people. Let's all just calm down," said Bobby trying to bring his fuzzy troupe under control. "I think we can all agree that funguses are bad."

 "It's fungi, Bobby, not funguses!" yelled the purple squirrel.

"Don't you yell at him, you nasty little rodent!" roared the wee little flower.

"There's no need for all this fuss, my friends," pleaded Bobby. It was disturbing to watch his friends fighting. Why'd they always have to be so eclectic? 

He wasn't the only one disturbed. Hiding beyond the brush were two very bewildered elves.

"What is he doing?" asked Ellrohir of his brother.

"I think he's talking to himself," replied Elladan.

"Talking to himself? That's crazy!"

"Judging by the way he's flapping around, I'd say you're not too far off." The two amused elves watched in silence as Bobby continued what seemed a very lively debate with his imaginary woodland friends.

"I'm telling you, they're part of the Fungi Kingdom!"

"Do you think we should interrupt?" asked Ellrohir.

"Yes, I suppose. The amusement is beginning to wane."

"It would appear we have a very disturbed hobbit on our hands."

The twins purposefully made there way toward the hobbit. 

"Then it's agreed. We'll just have spaghetti," finished Bobby. He did not hear the elves' approaching him from behind. Elladan spoke first. "I say there, little hobbit, do you need any help?"

"AHH!!" Bobby cried as he nearly jumped out of his skin. "How dare you sneak up on us like that."

"Us?" questioned Ellrohir skeptically.

"Yes," Bobby said, annoyed at their stupidity. "Me and my friends here. I thought elves were supposed to have excellent eye sight."

Elladan and Ellrohir merely exchanged a look—one that Bobby recognized immediately, as he had seen it many times. Bobby was instantly on alert.

"Right…" continued Ellrohir. "As you have surely noticed you have reached our home, Imladris."

"Imladris?" questioned Bobby. "But I was heading for Rivendell!" The twins laughed good naturedly among themselves.

"You have reached Rivendell," stated Elladan.

"Rivendell?! That's impossible! You just said that this was Imladris!"

"It is both," stated Ellrohir.

"Both? What? How could this be? How can _one_ place have _two_ names? It's insane!"

"You see," explained Elladan with a smile, "In the common tongue--,"

"Deceptions! LIES!" Bobby screamed, covering his ears.

"Quickly, Bobby, was must be away from these demons!" cried the flower. "Flee, Bobby, FLEE!!" Bobby took off running from the demon twins as fast as he could.

The two elves were shocked. This one was more volatile than they had originally thought. "We cannot allow him to wander our lands unattended. He may be dangerous." Ellrohir agreed with his brother. 

Through use of Rivendell's skilled patrol, Bobby was soon apprehended and found himself standing before the Lord of Imladris himself. 

"What is your name, young hobbit?" questioned Elrond. Bobby, noticing his distinguished eyebrows and recognizing them as a mark of enlightenment, a fact known only to him and three other hobbits at the Hillside Hobbit House, decided to give the Lord a chance.

"Bobby is my name. And these here are my friends. This is little flower, pink bunny and purple squirrel. Tap dancing elephant was sorry he couldn't be here, but he's running a bit late—a dentist appointment I think he said."

Elrond glanced back to look at his two sons who were standing by the doors trying not to laugh. Why have you brought me _this_, his magnificent eyebrows, seemed to ask the question. Elrond sighed and turned back to Bobby.

"I see," he said. "And what is the purpose of your coming to Imla—I mean—Rivendell?"

"I have come to dwell in the presence of great and noble minds such as my own. Perilously have a made my way out of the dark and poisonous lands of the Shire. For years I have fought to protect it from the encroaching evil, but the forces of darkness have become too strong and too evasive, even for me."

"Is there, perchance, another Shire that I am not aware of? My knowledge of the little folk is that they are peaceful; ignorant of any darkness in the world and innocent of any wrath on their part." 

Bobby seemed sad. "I see," he said slowly, as if resigned. "I see that my coming here has been in vain. Farther still must my journey be. I have not here found the kindred spirits which I seek." With his head lowered and his steps heavy, Bobby made for his exit. The twins still blocked the door, but Elrond motioned for them to step aside. "He is harmless," Elrond said.

Bobby left the great hall and for a moment and wondered the paths in Rivendell, watching the elves go by on their day to day business. At the moment his heart was very heavy. "Bobby…Bobby…why does he cry, Bobby?" crooned the flower.

"I am sad because with all this beauty, the elves of this place are still in the dark."

"Perhaps the beauty itself is the real deception?" guided the flower. Bobby's eyes lit up as the thought came to him.

"You have that look in your eyes again, Bobby. You know how I love that look…Burn it. BURN IT ALL!!"

"Quiet, Flower! You draw too much attention to us. Look how already their eyes follow us." Indeed they were drawing many strange looks from the elves. "We must be crafty here."

"Bobby?" asked a tall, good looking elf—another deception to be sure.

"Yes?"

"My name is Glorfindel and I have been ordered to uh…escort you…while you dwell in our fair city."

"Hah! Fair city indeed!" Bobby scoffed at his words. "I know the truth of this place."

"The truth of this place?" Glorfindel seemed somewhat amused.

"I know all about Elrond and his plot to take over the world. He hasn't fooled me. It's a clever cover, but--," 

"Bobby, you mustn't give away all your knowledge," cautioned the flower.

"Oh of course, flower, you're right. Thank you." Glorfindel looked around confused. "Is there some third party I'm not aware of?"

Bobby just rolled his eyes. These elves were getting even stupider. But perhaps this one could be of some use.

"Tell me, Glorfindel, how is this place lit at night?"

"Torches and lanterns of sort. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason." 

And as they walked on, a slow, sinister smile formed on the lips of that creepy little flower.

                        *****************************************

A/N: WHHAHAAhahahaha…you really got feel it back in the throat. How about sending a review? It's a crazy idea, I know. Speaking of which, don't forget to check out my other baby: The Fab Five Do Middle Earth. It's my precioussss. 


	4. The Council of Gandalf, er, Elrond

Purple Squirrel: Now, now reviewers. Let's not fight about grammar here.

Pink Bunny: Quiet, Purple Squirrel! They can fight all they want. I say, bring on the brutality! 

Purple Squirrel: But, violence is never the answer. 

Pink Bunny: Don't be such a pansy, Purple Squirrel.

Purple Squirrel: Quit putting me down, ya stupid bunny! I'm only trying to help. Anyways, it's not about us here. Constructive comments are the fruits of any good reviewer and we acknowledge and thank them all. 

Pink Bunny: Well thank you Mr. I-stayed-in-school-purple-squirrel. You don't know anything.

Purple Squirrel: I know you're a @#!%!

Author: Hey, you two! What are you doing? Get back in the box, NOW! [grabs hose] Don't make me use this. [the insanities are contained] Sorry about that everyone. On with chapter four.

**Chapter 4: The Council of Gandalf, er, Elrond**

"Well, that was a close one, wasn't it?" breathed Frodo in relief. They had just left Weathertop and only narrowly did they escape with their lives. More so thanks to the quick thinking of Strider who used the Nasty Nine as kindle to his flame.

"Honestly, Gandalf," spoke Strider, "What made you think that water would stop them?" Being uncomfortable with the question, Gandalf replied in agitation, "What? Haven't you ever seen the Wizard of Oz?"

"The Wizard of Oz, Gandalf?"

"Yes, the Wizard of Oz! Do I have to explain everything to you people?"

"Hobbits," corrected Merry.

"Quiet! All of you!" Gandalf was becoming quite upset and the others decided, and wisely so, to say no more of the water incident. Frodo and the others had at least been spared any harm that the ringwraiths might have inflicted, so we may surmise that wizards do work in mysterious ways.

Leisurely they made their way toward Rivendell. Luckily, they lost their pursuers. Most likely the Nine realized that they were chasing the wrong Baggins, or perhaps they feared the wizard who threw ice cold water on them, or the ranger with 'big burning stick.' In reality, three of the Nine had developed nasty colds, five were laid up in intensive care being treated for third degree burns, and one was undergoing a deep psychoanalysis. No more will be said of them, for their plight is another story. 

"Ah, there it is. Just over that hill," announced Strider joyfully.

"This is so exciting! We're finally gonna see elves!" murmured a very excited Sam. And as they passed the hill, it was elves they saw indeed; elves screaming and running for their lives.

"What is this?!" exclaimed Gandalf in disbelief. The entire city of Rivendell was set ablaze with fire; its beautiful pillars and ancient monuments crumbling to the ground. 

"Bobby," whispered Frodo in a low tone. "Bobby has been here."

"Let's not jump to conclusions," said Merry sarcastically.

"Hurry! We must help. Gandalf they need water!" urged Strider. Gandalf looked at him smugly. "Oh, is that right? I thought you didn't like my little water trick. Now I see that the tables have turned and you come back to me…begging." Gandalf emphasized the last word. 

Strider just stared back at him as if he had gone insane. After a moment, seeing their looks of anguish, Gandalf faltered. "Oh very well," he said, and at his command a torrent of rain poured down and quenched the flames. "Happy now?" he asked, looking even more smug.

With the fire out, the elves of Rivendell sadly accessed the damage and it was at this time that many made the decision to leave these shores and seek refuge in the blessed realm of Valinor. Many would carry the scars of this event for the rest of their lives. 

The newcomers watched as a once splendid elf was carried past them on a stretcher, muttering as he went by, "No, Bobby. Put the flame down. No, Bobby! Noooo!" 

Gandalf shook his head sadly. "How could I have let it come to this? If only I had known of this plot earlier," Gandalf mourned.

"It is not your fault, Gandalf," Strider comforted. "You could not have foreseen this." But Strider's attention was soon turned to the approach of Elrond and, much to his relief, an unharmed Arwen. Elrond did not look happy.

"Look what he has done!" he thundered. "Imladris is ruined. And those that survive make their way now to Valinor. Never before has an enemy wielded such power in my domain. And even as we speak he is wandering free somewhere in the wilderness, bringing who knows what chaos to the lands of Middle Earth." He paused in his anger. "Well just look what he did to Glorfindel!" he shouted, pointing to the still rambling elf. 

"_And eat some bees. And eat some bees_," the poor elf chanted again and again. 

Elrond shuddered. "Very disturbing."

"We must put a stop to this evil," stated Gandalf.

"We have tracked him here. We will track him still," vowed Strider.

"Well actually, it was more of a coincidence that he happened to have been here. We really had no idea where he had gone to," admitted Pippin. He comments were received with evil glares from Gandalf and Strider. But it was true. They really had no idea where Bobby was and the fire had been effective in destroying any trail.

"We may yet find him," said Elrond. "Many beings from far off lands have come to seek my counsel at this time. Their stories are entwined with the return of the one ring of power, which is now in the hands of a devilish hobbit. A council will be held to decide what our course of action must be. It will be known as the Council of--"

"Gandalf," finished the wizard.

"That wasn't what I was going to say."

"But it has a good ring to it, doesn't it?"

"We are in Rivendell and seeing as I am host, the council should bear my name," Elrond argued calmly.

"In case you haven't noticed, Rivendell is destroyed, leaving your naming privileges forfeit."

"What's wrong with you, Gandalf? Did you hit your head before coming here that you would have so little respect for my authority?"

"The Council of Gandalf could be held elsewhere if you prefer. I hear that King Thranduil has a pretty impressive cave. Not to mention a new barbecue pit."

"King Thranduil?!" sputtered Elrond, "Have you lost your mind? There is no time for this folly."

"Forgive him, my lord. Since Bobby has taken the ring, Gandalf has not been himself. It is undoubtedly having an affect on him," Strider whispered in his ear.

"Very well. I will excuse him for the moment. The council of _Elrond_ shall be held as soon as all the emissaries have arrived. Until then I pray you will all keep your wits about you," he said with his sharp eyes falling on the smirking wizard. And with that Elrond left them to be attended by his servants to have rest as well as it could be offered under the circumstances.

"Twit," murmured Gandalf to Elrond's retreating form. Strider and the hobbits just looked at him in amazement. Bobby had to be stopped—and soon.

                     *************************************

"What I don't understand is that if we are supposed to hate elves so much, why are we going to Rivendell to seek their advice?" asked Gimli son of Gloin as he and his dwarven companions made their way to the fair city.

"You know, now that I think about it, it does seem rather absurd," replied the aged Gloin. "Yet I cannot find the will to turn back. It's as if some strange insanity captures my mind."

"Truly, these are perilous times. Disturbing are the propositions we have received of late. I hope in Rivendell we will find the true meaning of them, as well as a solution."

"They say the elf-lord knows much. I do not think our journey will be in vain," replied the older dwarf. 

"Let's just hope they don't give us any of that elvish showiness." Before more could be said, the troupe was halted.

"What is it? Why are we stopping?" asked Gimli.

"Someone is approaching," replied a dwarf in a red cap.

Out from the thicket appeared a strange young hobbit dressed in tattered garments. The dwarves were not wholly familiar with the little people, except for Gloin, who had reason to be fond of their kind.

"A hobbit? All the way out here?" spoke Gloin. "Tell me, little master, what is your name and what business do you have so far from the Shire?"

"Bobby Baggins is my name and this is—"

"Baggins! My word, I would have hardly thought it possible," exclaimed Gloin. "A welcome sight you are!" 

"Oh, please," Bobby blushed at the compliment, "You're embarrassing me."

"Yours is a noble name," the dwarf continued. "Long has it been since I last visited the Shire and longer still it may be, but I would bid you welcome in my halls any day. A most honored guest you would be."

"An, an honored guest?" Bobby fumbled in his speech, so surprised he was.

"Yes. I must journey away from it now on urgent business, but if you should wish to see our dwelling, make your way to the Lonely Mountain and upon my return I would know all there is to know of you."

Bobby smiled pleasantly. "I will do just that, my good dwarf, for I am eagerly seeking such noble minds as yours."

"Very good then, Master Baggins. I shall see you upon my return. Farewell for now."

"Farewell," replied Bobby as the dwarves continued on their journey. When they had gone Bobby turned to the flower and said, "It would seem we are going to see the dwarves."

"So it would see," replied the flower. "Surely they will make you a king."

"I believe you may be right. Noble beings, after all, seek noble leaders. I could not in good conscience withhold my presence from them."

"No, precious, you could not."

"Onward then. To the Dwarf Halls!"

                    *******************************

Pink Bunny and Purple Squirrel: Can we come out now?

Author: No. 


	5. The Fellowship of the Sane

A/N: Yes, I am still alive. I've been in a depressed writer's slump ever since my Fab Five story was blacklisted. For a long time I wandered aimlessly through life searching for new meaning. After much soul searching, I came to the following conclusion: the story was fun while it lasted; I've shed my tears; it's time to move on. And so, here we are again. I'll warn you I'm a bit rusty, so bare with me till I'm back in the swing of things. 

On a side note, I also need a new "main story" to write. This one was meant more as a space filler--a place to go when I needed a change and wanted to write something really quick. I worry about what the effect of concentration will be on this story. So if anyone has any suggestions, my attention is ever attainable. Thanks again.

The Newly Re-Born, 

FunktasticMe

**Chapter 5: The Fellowship of the Sane**

The Council of Elrond proved to be an impressive gathering made up of noble beings from many distant lands. Among the personalities we have already been introduced to, were Boromir from Gondor, elves from Mirkwood, dwarves from the Lonely Mountain, and Papa Smurf from the Smurf Kingdom east of Minas Morgul—the happiest place on earth. 

"Greetings, people of Middle Earth," welcomed Elrond. "You have all been summoned to this council because—" 

"I've been to these things before," whispered Legolas to one of his companions. "First he'll tell us of all the misfortune that has befallen Rivendell and then he'll hit us up for money." He stopped short when he noticed the cold stare from Elrond. "Uh, please continue, my lord," he said as he forced a smile. He had to stop embarrassing himself like that.

 "As I was saying, these times are dark for _all _of us," Elrond continued, looking at Legolas in particular. "You have all journeyed here at this time as if by fate and by that same thread it is the fate of Middle Earth that we must now decide." 

The group listened intently, the gravity of Elrond's words and the solemnity of the occasion not being lost on them, except for Frodo who had a cross-eyed look on his face. 

"As you may already know, the Ring of Power has been found." Elrond paused as the assemblage reacted in various degrees of shock and awe. 

"Where is this legendary weapon you speak of?" asked Boromir, a note of eagerness in his voice. Elrond bowed his head, creasing his eyebrows in consternation. 

It was Gandalf who answered his question. "In the hands of a terrible being. One like none that the elves, nor any other beings, have encountered before; an evil greater than anything that has ever walked Middle Earth."

The group was chilled by the dark foreboding in the words of the wizard. After a long rein of silence, Papa Smurf finally asked, although he was reluctant to hear the answer.

"And exactly what is this great evil you speak of?"

At this point Elrond motioned for Sam, who was hiding behind a pile of ash that was once an elegant door, to bring forth the famous Tripod of Elrond. Pulling out his pointer, Elrond turned to the first page which displayed a picture of a young hobbit boy frolicking among the green fields of the Shire. 

Gathering as much flare as he could, he proclaimed their nemesis, "I give you Middle Earth's greatest foe!" He paused for dramatic quality, and indeed there was silence in the crowd as everyone stared at the whimsical figure of Bobby Baggins.

Unable to contain himself any longer, Boromir of course burst out laughing and was soon joined by the dwarves and the group from Mirkwood. Gandalf shook his head. Elrond had really set himself up for that.

"_This_ is your great evil?" questioned Boromir, in amusement.

"I wouldn't want to come across him in a dark alley," sniggered Legolas sarcastically.

"And I thought he was gonna show us some demon of Morgoth!" exclaimed Gloin, chuckling with relief.

"Perhaps his tiara's on too tight," Gimli postulated.

"Quiet. Quiet! This is no laughing matter. We are faced with a very serious situation. We must have order," demanded Elrond. Gandalf smirked at the loss of control and shared a knowing look with his friend Papa Smurf. Still, the group did seem to quiet somewhat at Elrond's urgent tone.

"This is no ordinary hobbit," he insisted. "He is treacherous to the highest degree. He is the one responsible for the destruction of Imladris and, more importantly, he holds in his grasp the one ring of power!" The group looked skeptical, although they did not fail to notice the ruin of their surroundings.

"Bobby Baggins is not like other hobbits," pleaded Frodo. "He is dangerous. He is driven only by his insanity."

Gimli dismissed the words of the hobbit. "Our company has already met up with this boy, Bobby."

"Why yes," continued Gloin. "He seemed a very fine chap. We invited him to our home. He is probably there at this moment."

Gandalf, Elrond, and Aragorn exchanged alarmed looks. Whatever danger the dwarves of the Lonely Mountain were set to endure, they at least had a trail to follow; a mixed blessing, no doubt. 

"It is the innocence of his appearance that makes him all the more treacherous, master dwarf. Those who are deceived by it are all the more susceptible to his mischief. The ring is in the uncontrolled hands of a psychopath. I dare not to think of what he could do with such power," said Strider, shaking his head.

"What would a mere ranger know of such things?" asked Papa Smurf defiantly.

Legolas jumped out of his chair. "This is no mere ranger! This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn and heir to the throne of Gondor. You owe him your allegiance." The tall elf's gaze was of steel as he faced down the smurf. Papa Smurf stared back fiercely with all the two inches of his person. "Papa Smurf bows to no one," he stated coldly.

Before the situation could escalate, Aragorn stood between them. "Legolas, would you please sit down. We have more important matters to attend to and besides, this fight would just look really silly. Honestly, it's embarrassing." Legolas sat down sheepishly.

 "We must assemble a team to go after this hobbit and retrieve the ring," declared Elrond recalling their attentions. 

But rather than let the Lord of Imladris continue Gandalf interrupted irritably, "This has gone on long enough. We've all seen this scene hashed and rehashed a thousand times. Aragorn and Boromir are gonna lend their swords, the elf his bow, the dwarf his axe, we all humor the hobbits, and so on, and so on. Then, after they retrieve the ring, Frodo along with some help from Sam and Gollum, must take the ring and cast it into the fires of Mount Doom."

"I have to do what?!" 

"Don't interrupt, Frodo," said Gandalf harshly. "Now. Let's just get on with it."

"And who will lead this team?" asked Elrond looking into their wide-eyed, surprised faces.

"I nominate Elrond," said the wizard, who wasn't sure if he himself was quite ready to die. The group nodded at the admirable choice.

"Really? You think I should go?" Elrond seemed surprised, if not touched by the suggestion. But he quickly regained his senses. "No, no that would be all wrong. And that's exactly what Bobby would want. You know your place, Gandalf. We must all be on guard. Escape into insanity and inane randomness is a seductive path, on which many a good mind has been lost. I pray that none of you will give into its lure. 

With the ring in Bobby's possession, the call of insanity will undoubtedly be increased upon the realms in which he dwells. I foresee that many will be unable to resist it. It becomes clear that, should you fail in this quest, any concept of reality and truth in Middle Earth will be lost forever." Elrond paused casting a warning look upon the wizard. "You must all remain in character if an end is to be brought to this chaos." 

Their faces were grim at his words. Within each of their hearts they pondered the full meaning of his words and each felt the weight of the burden that had been given to them. For the sake of all they loved, they could not fail.

"I couldn't agree more!" proclaimed Papa Smurf. "Let's get that hobbit!" 

The group seemed to notice the smurf as if for the first time. "Exactly where did you say you were from?" asked Gimli with suspicion. Papa Smurf looked uncomfortable. 

"From Minas Morgul," he replied looking about him nervously. "You know---the--the happiest place on earth." His voice grew small as he noticed the weapons being drawn about him. "Come on guys, we're all friends here, right?"

But there was no hope for Papa Smurf. He was quickly dispatched by a multitude of weapons.

"That felt good," said Boromir in satisfaction.

"Very good," agreed Aragorn. 

"You have all passed this first test. Keep in mind it will not be the last. You must help each other along the way," Elrond looked at them with affection. "Nine companions--I don't know why, but I feel a strange urge to say ten. Funny, isn't it? Anyways, nine companions, to set against the nine black riders. You shall be: the Fellowship of the Sane."

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A/N: Don't forget to stop at the review box on your way out the door. I'm need reaffirmation.


	6. On the Dangers of Drinking and Jaialai

A/N: Thank you my babushkas (Wow. Apparently that's a real word). I feel better now. Your highness, I also have a soft spot for Bobby. He's like Jesus—only messed up, crazy, insane. Yeah, that's it. And to my lizard overlord, that's an interesting idea for a story. What are you smoking? 'Cause I would need some to write that one. J But thanks for the email.

**Chapter 6: On the Dangers of Drinking and Jai-alai**

"And that was when I realized that the stars were _not_ forged by Varda, as the supposed wise would have us believe, but that they are really big balls of gas, burning millions of miles away."

"Amazing, Bobby. Truly amazing," marveled the dwarves who were listening intently to the tales of this learned hobbit. "You truly are a master of lore. How is it that you have come to know so much?"

"Well that little tidbit came from a wild boar I met while journeying in Africa."

"Uh, did you say a wild boar?" asked a dwarf with a purple cap.

"Africa?" said another with a golden cap. 

These dwarves would benefit much from his wisdom. Smiling, Bobby paused to take another draught of the strong ale they offered him. It was the perfect beverage to finish off the gargantuan feast they had set before him. He then explained to them, as though they were children. "I have been gifted from an early age with special knowledge." Bobby seemed to hesitate, unsure if he should tell them all he knew.

"Go on, Bobby," encouraged the flower. "Your exquisiteness is appreciated here." And so Bobby continued. "I have been the receiver of visions for many years and I share a divine friendship with the noble creatures that use me as their messenger." The dwarves were enthralled. Mind you, they were also somewhat drunk.

"I see things for what they really are. At times it is a great burden—being so wise. Many mistake my good intentions for wrong and this causes me to suffer greatly."

"It makes me cry to think of all the wrongs that have been done against you," said the flower wiping tears from his watering eyes.

"Do not be sad for me, Flower," Bobby comforted. "For I am stronger than the hurts they have bestowed upon me."

"Oh, so brave! So brave!" chorused the pink bunny and the purple squirrel.

"Did he just call me a flower?" asked one of the dwarves, who incidentally was wearing a pink cap, to a companion. The other just shrugged. 

"He sees things as they really are. Ha, ha, ha!" slurred the dwarf, giving the offended one a slap on the back.

"But enough of this sad talk," spoke Bobby, cheerfully. "I have not come all this way to bemoan my past sorrows. I am now in the presence of truly noble, truly enlightened beings! For, like me, you have seen through all the pomp and décor of the elves and have seen them as they truly are: deceptive creatures who are full of unmeasured, unwholesome pride!"

"Hear, hear!" joined the dwarves who were being worked into a sort of frenzy.  
            "They are treacherous and greedy. And they look down on you, but soon they will look up to you and they will be blinded when your inner light is revealed brighter than the sun. Let us drink to our fortunes now! To the humbling of the elven overlords and to the rise of the dwarves!" 

At his passionate words the dwarves leapt from their seats, dancing and cheering and calling Bobby's name in praise. Long into the night their celebration wore on, and the mountain sang with a fierceness it had not known since the elder days. Bobby's words had inspired them. They were held as if in a spell by his hypnotic words. They perceived that within his small and fragile frame there was an energy; a power of great magnitude waiting to be released. They would be proud to stand with him when it was. And then again, they were very drunk.

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"I just don't understand this hobbit's thinking," complained Legolas, as he and the rest of the fellowship trekked through the misty mountains. "Why would Bobby pass through Mirkwood, apparently without the least bit of interest in seeing _my_ home and instead go straight on to the Lonely Mountain to drink disgusting malt beer with a bunch of dwarves? It doesn't make any sense. Although he is crazy, so I suppose—It's not what any sane person would do." The elf paused, frowning. "Still, I can't help but feel hurt."

"Why you pointy-eared little, leaf wearing, berries for brains--!" Gimli had to be forcibly restrained from cleaving the unaware elf in two.

"Believe me, my friend," Aragorn assured the elf. "It is by gift of the Valar that he did so—for your people's sake."

"And what about the dwarves?" asked Frodo. Legolas turned to him and replied, "Apparently the Valar doesn't care about them." And he proceeded to smile at the dwarf only to aggravate him.

"Please," Gimli whispered to Gandalf. "Let me kill him—or at least just maim him in some gruesome fashion."

"Now Gimli, let's not speak of such things. He can't help it—he's an elf," replied Gandalf stroking his beard as though deep in thought.

"My, in all the time I have been over these mountains, I have never seen the weather so favorable," commented Gandalf, admiring the rainbow that was above them and delighting in the sunshine that kissed their cheeks and warmed their hearts.

"Look, a deer!" exclaimed Pippin pointing to the majestic creature prancing upon one of the nearby precipices. They all watched it with smiles, even Gimli felt his spirits uplifted.

"I never knew mountains could be so green," said Merry in astonishment.

"Yes, not an Orc or foul creature anywhere. I think this would make a fine place to have a little rest," spoke Gandalf taking a seat among a patch of daisies.

The hobbits began to play a game they had actually learned from Bobby. It was called Jai-alai. Bobby had told them he learned it in something called Spanish Class, whatever that was. Soon enough Boromir, Legolas, and yes, Gimli, were joining in the game too.

Aragorn was now standing off to the side, gazing down the mountain with Gandalf. "Circumstances have proved better than we could have hoped for," said Aragorn.

"Yes, I suppose they have," answered the wizard.

"Then perhaps you will be able to put all those recurring visions of your impending death out of your mind and start to relax?"

"Go long, Pippin! Go long!" shouted Merry from afar.

The wizard smiled at the ranger warmly. "You're right. I think finally I will be able to---"

 He was cut short as Pippin came crashing into him. The last words spoken by Gandalf the Grey were "AAHHHH!!!" and "FOOL OF A TOOK!!!" as he unceremoniously fell from the cliff, plummeting into the dark abyss below.

No one said anything. For a long while they just stared in disbelieve. Legolas and Aragorn, who were the first ones on the scene, peered over the mountain side. Slowly and without words they exchanged sidelong glances. This was not good.

"Well, that was unexpected," offered Boromir with a nervous laugh when no one else dared to break the mood.

"You're not going to blame me for this, are you?" asked Pippin timidly.

"You _are_ the one that pushed him over, Pip," remarked Merry.

"Oh! And what was all that shouting about going long?!"

"What are we going to tell everyone? They'll blame us! They'll boil us alive!" cried the elf in a sudden burst of emotion. 

Soon everyone was arguing the events and it seemed that peace would never be restored. However, Aragorn rightfully stepped into the role of leadership that was destined for him.

"Alright! Enough! We just need to calm down and get our stories straight. No one needs to know what really happened."

"Aragorn's right," agreed Boromir. "I say we make a pact here and now. We each take this to our graves."

"We'll just say we were overcome by an enemy of great power," interjected Gimli, becoming hopeful. Perhaps this situation wouldn't be so bad. They would see to it that Gandalf was remembered for a splendid death, worthy of all his achievements (and at the same time save all their asses). Thus it was decided.

"So I guess we move on now," Sam said, breaking them out of their reveries. The others nodded in agreement and began to grab their things. Before leaving the spot, Pippin took one last look over the cliff and said softly to no one in particular, "At least I caught the pelota. Gandalf would have wanted it that way." He nodded with satisfaction, turned and quickly caught up with the already departing Fellowship.

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A/N: Tear, tear. I hope this chapter will serve as a valuable lesson about two of the most dangerous inventions known to man. Remember it the next time someone offers you a drink, or asks you to join them in a game of Jai-alai. May this knowledge serve you well. Peace.


End file.
